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Wednesday, December 17th, 2003
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3:13 am - death sentence.
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| Friday, August 29th, 2003
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10:40 pm
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I'm a little behind with this journal, eh?
Since returning home from Europe I haven't done much of anything. Other than going BACK to Europe.
Yes. Eric and I (the friend that backed out on me the first trip after he agreed to go after Jason backed out. heh.) decided to go at 5 am one night, bought tickets 4 pm that day for a flight departing at 10 am the next day. Pretty impulsive, eh? That's us.
We hit up Paris and Prague. I think I'm done with Paris for awhile. I like it, but I managed to get pretty depressed there and, well, I don't know. Lost attachment toward it. Prague was but a dream. Eric and I had the time of our lives, there.
This summer has been unbelievable.
You don't know what beauty is until you've been to Prague. contentedness is waking up at 3 a.m in Paris and it's pouring rain outside and you're all warm under your blankets next to someone wonderful and you fall back asleep in their arms.
Eric and I did have a little fling, but it was very much just that - a fling. Now he's simply a great friend, though I do wonder (despite the fact that he's been anti-relationship for 1 year now) sometimes if he regrets that. He IMed me today saying, "You know, every time I see your shampoo or whatever in the shower it makes me wax poetic."
He's a sweet guy, but, for more reasons than I can even go into, we're not compatible. I'll never forget the 10 days I shared with him in Europe, though. Probably some of the most romantic 10 days ever. I'm proud of myself for not getting attached. He's perfect for me in certain ways : 29, very attractive, intelligent, compassionate.. Put me in this exact situation last year and I would have gotten extremely attached to this guy. No doubt. I've truly grown and it feels wonderful to have these realizations. Being able to detach myself if necessary isn't something I've always been able to do.
I miss Europe like mad already and it's been less than 2 weeks since I've returned. I feel like I left a piece of my heart behind.
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| Tuesday, July 1st, 2003
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11:37 am - I love Europe.
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I am in Sweden, right now. So far we have been to London, Florence and Rome. I fell in love with London. I do like Italy and Sweden, it just tends to feel a little distant because of the language barrier. Luckily a lot of people know english here, so we have been getting around with ease. I am often mistaken for a Swedish girl because the locals all start talking to me in swedish during conversation. That is a total compliment because everyone here is so beautiful. heh. The men are so attractive, it is difficult to not stare and drool. Truly some of the most beautiful men I have ever seen! Sounds like a exaggeration, but it really is not. I guess Scandinavian men are my thing? heh. I am sure Germany will not be low in that department either. Germany is next on the list and I am a little nervous because I will be visiting some relatives who only speak Germany and my German is not so great.
The weather here is wonderful. Very cool and slightly rainy. It is a great change after Italy where it is extremely hot and humid. I am not built for such a climate.
Today we are going to a festival to see Mogwai, Interpol and The Rapture. Very much looking forward to it!
Unfortunately my travel partner, Jason, is very depressed right now. Love sickness, I believe. Not too sure because he is not opening up to me. He is still sleeping and it is almost noon over here. Needless to say, our moods are not in sync. I am full of the contentedness I´ve been waiting for. I have been wandering the streets alone. Listening to my ipod and trying to contain my happiness. When you´re in Europe, life is good.
Ciao.
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| Sunday, June 8th, 2003
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2:07 am
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I'm leaving for London in just a few days. I'll be gone for a month venturing all over Europe, but checking my email every week.. or so. If you'd like a postcard, email. I'll send you one. I promise.
catacombfingers@hotmail.com
current mood:  ecstatic
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| Monday, May 26th, 2003
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8:55 pm
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Jason decided not to go to Europe with me. Long story, so I won't go into it. At first I panicked and nearly had an anxiety attack, but I've luckily found someone to replace him. I'll be venturing Europe with my friend Eric, now. We're just friends, like Jason and I. I think Eric and I will have a great time. He's not gung-ho about music like I am, but I am dragging him along with me to see Sigur Ros in Italy anyway. I'm thrilled about seeing Sigur Ros in Italy! They are absolutely beautiful. Probably one of my favorite performances ever. It'll be interesting to see how Eric likes them. Hopefully he won't dislike them, like John did.
We're going to be visiting London, Paris, Italy, Germany, Amsterdam and Prague. I'm so happy, it's hard to focus on everything else going on in my life. My days typically consist of daydreaming about Europe and reading about the places I'd like to visit. Not much else is going on with my life, actually. I'm still single. Very single. I went back to red hair, again. Getting lots of attention, which is actually fairly annoying.. I miss my black hair, of course.
I'm done with school for the summer. I think I did fairly well in my Logic class, but I don't think I aced it, unfortunately. Balancing life, work and school is just too difficult - getting A's isn't really common when I have all that going on. Next semester I have no excuse, though. I'll (hopefully) still be jobless and concentrating on school only. I'll still have "life" to maintain, but not having to work should free up enough time to still take part in hedonistic ventures.
I bought the new Placebo album today (Sleeping with Ghosts). It's good, I enjoyed it. They incorporated more piano than usual in this one, which is always a good thing.
I haven't been photographing much at all lately. I hope to take an advanced black and white photography class next semester. That would be grand.
I bought an 15gig Ipod recently ( http://www.apple.com/ipod ). An amazing little toy. Expensive, but well worth it. I'm still impressed by it. I highly recommend it to avid music lovers.
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| Friday, April 25th, 2003
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3:29 am - Just breathe~
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It's so late, but I felt compelled to write regardless.
I'm going to Europe! I don't remember when I was this excited last. Probably not since childhood.
Jason will be my partner in crime. He's very lovesick right now, so I hope that lulls before we leave. I hope the getaway will help him, at the least.
I'm so stressed, I need this. My feet are freezing and I'm so tired, but the last place I want to be is in my own bed. Next to him. I need out. It's been nearly a month since we broke up and I've never been treated so poorly by a human being. It's rather odd considering how good he treated me prior to the breakup. Dad is helping me move Sunday. I can't wait to be free of this place.
I'm constantly sick, here. Under dangerous amounts of stress.
Anyway, I'm so very ready to move on out! I'm so anxious to get going.
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| Saturday, April 5th, 2003
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2:58 am - New York cares.
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Between trying to find ways to keep myself busy and occupied without spending much money, worrying myself sick about the war and my failing "Love Life" and other useless things, I've been nothing but stressed and depressed for the past week +.
I have moments where all is great and I'm ready to take over the world, but then I turn on the TV and see the horrific images of war's casualties. It's not that bad, yet. Yet being the operative word.
My mother is having some issues with her reproductive system and will probably need to have it removed. I'm just glad they found about the complications before they became life-threatening. Though the procedure seems to be less serious than it sounds, I'm a tad worried.
I'm still jobless, but that's completely intentional. This summer, if things go as planned I will travel around Europe for a month or so. After I come back I will go to school fulltime. Basically, I won't be working for awhile. If I can obtain the loans and live off a tight budget.
I'm slightly apprehensive about traveling during such politically disastrous times, but I know that if I don't go now, I may not have the time, money or means to go for god knows how long. My Oma pointed out that I have family to stay with in Germany should I become trapped in Europe. That almost sounds appealing.
My boyfriend and I broke up last night. It's something that should have happened long ago. I can see myself with him if he grows up a little, but I'm skeptical as to whether or not he will ever reach the level of maturity I need in a person. He's a terrific person in so many ways, but, unfortunately not the person I need ultimately. Even bigger than the maturity issue is his inability to be completely honest with me. I can look past so much, but I can tell you - you'll get no where with dishonesty. Now I just hope that I have the strength to stay way. At least until he has redeemed himself, which is, sadly, probably not possible.
I know what I want. I once had it right in front of me. Now it's gone and all I ever do is dream about It. How's that for vague?
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| Monday, March 10th, 2003
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3:19 am
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Being unemployed is strange. Fantastic. Boring. Depressing. Each day I don't know where to start. I wake up energized, but sometimes end up simply wallowing about. I've seemingly kept away from that, the past few days have been fairly productive. At least in a social aspect. Friday I spent time with Jason. We went to Melrose where he spent quite a bit updating his 'look'. A recent Interpol show inspired him to wear nicer, hipper attire. He now owns more long-sleeved striped dress shirts than he can wear in a week's time. And a nice suit to boot. We later dined at The Red Lion, a quaint little German Restaurant that someone lovely introduced me to not too long ago. We came back to my place to find my boyfriend acting very rude and displeased. For absolutely no (logical) reason. More and more he is making it obvious that we aren't meant for each other. If he can't be nice to those who are dear to me, it's a wonder how I can be nice to him at all. It's all falling apart. Rapidly. This house we built, it's got no ground. Rather unfortunate, it is. But, honestly, I'm not very broken up about it. I guess, for awhile, I knew there would be an end. The end hasn't come, but it's near.
Saturday was spent with friends in celebration of Ceci's 26th birthday. The girls (me included) surprised her with a bracelet from Tiffany's. The same one I received from an ex for Christmas one year. We stuffed ourselves, drank and played board games. A very pleasant night.
Today (well, Sunday) I met up with Chris and his friend, Andrew. Chris was visiting from Florida. Since I believe he has the link to this journal, I best not mention the lusty details of that. I kid, I kid. No lusty affairs were had. I might be falling out of love, but I don't betray. I'm a loyal Taurus. heh. Anyhow, so my time spent with Chris and Andrew was enjoyable. Andrew showed us a great used bookstore in Santa Monica, which I will definitely revisit. They had a copy of Blake's work in color. I want it! Oh how I want it! $45 bucks. I might go and purchase it, afterall. Chris found it, but didn't buy it. Shame on him. I bought a copy of Prozac Nation which I've wanted to read for some time now. Different books can be entertaining for different reasons, so mock me you mustn't!
Tomorrow I'm heading to Long Beach to spent time with some old College friends! I'm very much looking forward to that, I don't see them nearly enough. We're going to a show, and I know nothing of the band other than the fact that the female lead singer is wanted by many. Including my old dorm roommate who is also female. I'll talk of that sometime. Perhaps.
Homework and slumber are calling. It's nearly 4am. Yikes.
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| Thursday, February 27th, 2003
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10:20 pm - In a little while, I'll be gone.
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The Last Day here is unreal. Everyone keeps calling me (non-eln people). Co-workers from different departments drop by my desk with a few sypathetic last words. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to do
I really don't know.
Jason and I are toying around with the idea of moving to Europe for a bit. Of course, I would have to leave my boyfriend since I don't feel as if the relationship is strong enough to survive a 6 month absence (6 months is how long we'd say in London, if we go). I'd also have to quit school for alittle while. I'm considering the former, regardless. I thought I could get over something, but I just can't and it's starting to take a toll on our relationship. I feel sad about this, but he hasn't exactly been an angel. I think an angel is what I need.
current mood:  contemplative
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| Wednesday, February 26th, 2003
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6:20 pm
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Tomorrow is my last day at ELN. I'm on an emotional roller coaster regarding this matter. On one hand, I'm thrilled. I'm getting a decent severance, I will have unemployment to fall back on (should I need it), I will have time to travel and spend more time with the people I love, and it's a forced kick out of the door. I should have moved on awhile ago. Of course, I'm glad I didn't as I would have missed out on a few opportunities. I wouldn't be were I am now.
Admittingly, I'm not the happiest I've ever been, but I am looking forward to the future. I've been sustaining a very optimistic viewpoint for the past several months, and it's possibly made it's way into my heart. I really hope so. Pessimism doesn't work for me, I can't be pessimistic and happy. Can anybody?
Though I see the change as a good one, of course there are the negative aspects that lurk. I will no longer be working with many people whom I've come to know (and love). I've met some truly wonderful people here during my 3.5 years. I'll never forget them. A few in particular will forever remain in my heart, no matter what. I'm frightened that I'll lose touch with people once I leave. It's bound to happen. I hope to remain close to those who I hold dear.
For obvious, lack-of-financial-security reasons, I will leave here tomorrow in a slight panic, but I'm confident that I'll find something elsewhere. Hopefully I will become a fulltime student, again. Potentially, in a year or two I could obtain a "real" job should I be able to focus and get my B.A. That's what I want. What I truly want to do in life requires a B.A. or higher.
So tomorrow opens another chapter of my life, and I feel overwhelmed by it. The possibilities are great and now I feel completely obligated to go do something.
current mood: thoughtful
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| Saturday, February 22nd, 2003
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1:23 am
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We watched Waking the Dead tonight. Rather sad story. For whatever reason (for whatever reason you would like to believe, rather) the story really touched me.
Emotional inventory (during and after said movie)
Cried : twice
Wanted to crawl into a dark, damp, cold corner : two, three, possibly seven times.
Developed urge to curl body up into fetal position : a pathetically large amount ;)
Verdict = I'm insane. Or lonely. Or unhappy. Or scared.
Or none of the above. Or all of the above.
So I'm getting a little carried away.
The Boy is in the next room playing some computer game on his laptop. Waiting for me to finish this rubbish while I'm here battling myself.
It's personal demons vs. reality. I regretfully report that they are indistinguishable at this moment in time.
I suppose that (for the time being) I should get back to Him. He who is waiting in the very next room.
He who is not estranged. Not yet[?], at least.
Ugly is the word estranged. But still so beautiful as it carries something I'll never forget, and, possibly never actually let go of. Sad are our lives of disarray.
Love the one you're with. Love the one you're with. Love the one you're with.
I hate that song, that guy has no idea what he is talking about.
current mood: emotionally intoxicated.
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| Tuesday, February 18th, 2003
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1:11 am - To my Livejournal-less readers :
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If you would like to start a journal, here are some codes you can use to start your own journal free of charge :
tfmthaaaenk8
5nwgcaaaenk9
x949naabaxqy
If you have any questions regarding how to use these, let me know by commenting below, or just go to www.livejournal.com and figure it out yourselves ;).
Have fun.
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| Sunday, February 16th, 2003
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8:48 pm - recent developments :
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-I've been laid off. Effective Feb 27, I will no longer work where I do.
I hope to use the time "off" (until I obtain a new job or, hopefully, go back to school) to travel and spend more time with friends/family. Perhaps to "find" myself, or get to know myself a little better. Strange or not, I feel like I've neglecting myself for some time now. Perhaps I just need an small vacation alone..
-After missing the protest yesterday and becoming very livid with myself because of the fact that it came and went without me even knowing, I've made a pact with myself to become more politically active/aware. Sometimes it would seem as if I care more about petty things than what is actually going on in this world, and it's not true. I become comfortable in a lazy lifestyle and very upset with myself when it catches up to me. I'm not stupid and I'm not lazy, it's about time I get out there. My intentions are not to become a crazy activist and protest every chance I get, but to stand up for what I believe and actually stay up-to-date with occurrences. I should be watching the news more than anything else. I should be browsing politically-based sites and not the typical trashy, worthless sites I frequent.
All work-related and political-laziness things aside, I'm a-ok. Not wonderful, or spectacular, but just plain fine. Better than not, I say ;).
current mood:  okay
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| Sunday, January 26th, 2003
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9:47 pm - Flowers and barbed wire.
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Sometimes, I really do think that being in your early twenties is about torture. This is the stage in life in which you are tested to no end. You are beaten, abused and left for dead over and over again. I look around and I see some managing, but most are struggling in one way or another. If it's not financial difficulties, it's emotional distress.
It's self realization emerging for the worse.
When you realize who you are and it's steps behind who you can be, it gives you this discomforting feeling in the pit of your stomach.
The in between days, that's what this is ultimately about. You're still becoming familiar with your adult mind/soul and struggling to maintain that youthful perspective. That optimistic,naive(?) perspective. I hold on to it for months at a time. White-knuckling it , fondling it every moment I have alone with it. It's always brutally taken away by the hands of Reality. I talk of him much, I know, this Reality. Truth is, he is still technically a strange. Ok, enough with the silly 'symbolics'..
I really don't have it so bad. I have a nice boyfriend who treats me well. A decent job. A caring family. A beautiful, adorable pet that I adore vastly. A roof over my head.
Still, I'm not where I want to be.
I don't wake up with a smile on my face.
I don't REALLY look forward to tomorrow as much as I used to.
My daydreams are very far from reality. It didn't used to be that way.
Does it become more and more difficult to live your Ideal Life as you age?
Do your ideals grow to the point where they exceed your capabilities?
That is where I am in life right now, I suppose. That is the only problem.
I've too many goals. This 'realization' actually comforts me. One could never have TOO MANY goals. I have a long path and a lot to live for. That is the way I wish to think of it.
Yes, the glass is half full. Heh.
For some reason, I can't wait to be 25, yet the fact that I am almost 23 makes me panic a little sometimes.
23.. I guess I am still just a baby. I hate that. I hesitate to take MYSELF serious sometimes. Though my confidence is growing greatly and rapidly. How can anyone have faith and confidence in you, when you don't have it for yourself, right? Right. I'll show 'em ;).
I simply want to be at peace with myself. I want to be me, but not so self-destructive.
I could be wrong, but I'd like to think I'm on the correct path. Making conscious decisions are becoming easier and easier. Emotions are becoming real and not staged.
But I do wonder - can I ever be *that* woman with a past like mine?
The road only longer, and conquest only more rewarding.
Contrast can make things seems even better. There are things impossible to appreciate with out it..
I still have yet to know my way with the piano. Hopefully I'll find a fitting teacher.
A of the other few developments since I last posted :
I've discovered that Armenian food is quiet excellent, thanks to my lovely (1/2) Armenian boyfriend. Who woulda known, it's good stuff.
-A fascination with seahorses as pets. If I didn't have a cat, I'd have a tank full, by now. Just might attempt it regardless.
-My desire to lose weight is now in full swing. I'm working out again, hopefully the reasonable diet part will follow soon so that I can start to see rapid results rather than a lbs here, a lbs there. A 20 lbs loss will make me happy. Very happy.
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| Wednesday, October 9th, 2002
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9:50 am - Fact :
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| Monday, October 7th, 2002
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5:47 am - Yappy Dogs.
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A good friend of mine is going to have a gastric bypass. An embracive surgery where they remove a portion of your stomach, to induce weight loss. He is almost 400 lbs and has tried everything to lose weight, from rigorous exercise to heavy dieting and never manages to lose more than 20 lbs. While I'm worried and concerned, I'm supporting his decision completely. There is a 1/100 chance he will die from this procedure, but think of all the daily risks we take from transportation ALONE. Not to mention other potential accidents that harbor us daily. And the health factors of being over-weight.. His immediate family was not quite supportive at first, but after some lengthy conversation and a little research on the subject, they have come through. Yesterday he spoke to his aunt whom lives on the East Coast. She was verbally aggressive and even threatened to come down and stop the surgery.
WOW does this anger me. He is nearly 30 YEARS OLD. He is a full-grown ADULT. Where is the respect?
I can't stand it when people treat family/friends like children. Perhaps it is because, at age 18 or so my family took a huge step back and pretty much ceased to interfere with any large decision I had to make in life. They have treated me like an adult and DO offer a OPINION when one is to be had, however, have never threatened or yelled at me about anything. Nor have they ever, really.
I'm not saying they are following the "correct" way to treat family.. Perhaps there is validity in her behavior, but because of my upbringing when he told me about her this morning, I became infuriated and disgusted by her behavior. Bottomline : Opinions are fine, we are all entitled to them, but there is a difference between opinion and inappropriate behavior. Threatening a family member/friend/whoever, or using overly aggressive behavior after they make a important life decision is flat out inappropriate.
Of course there always exceptions, sometimes (but very rarely) we do have to resort to this type of reaction, but it's not like he's deciding to become a heroin junkie, he's trying to HELP himself. He's trying to be proactive and take charge of his life/health. She may not be, but I'm both proud and excited for him.
current mood:  annoyed
current music: tori amos
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| Saturday, October 5th, 2002
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8:32 pm - warn out places, warn out faces.
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Saw Red Dragon tonight. I enjoyed it..
Realized a few things during the film, but have forgotten them already. GEH. Must start carrying pen and paper around again. Why did I ever stop?
My head hurts. Bad. Got way too drunk last night. Worst hang over, since Vegas two years ago. Alcohol acted as a emotion catalyst. Seems like when I get emotional whilst drunk, it is certain that I will get a hang over the next day. Just the degree of drunkeness. Probably should stop drinking so much. For good. I feel like I'm getting far too old for the behavior I exude. Disconnecting from the world again. Haven't been this bad since I was 17, angsty and nearly suicidal. I'm not unhappy, though. I'm not happy, but definitely not sad. Not depressed.
Just here.
I'm just here.
One year ago today was the Sigur Ros show. Weird night. I saw him there, at the show. Like an Angel. Took my breath away. Bleh.
I came home the next morning and wrote this about my night :
last night ; [06 Oct 2001|12:10pm]
[ music | mazzy star ; fade into you. <3 ]
cape cods
sigur ros show
complete relaxation - slumber
jaw dropping [mistaken identity] (someone thought i was this girl whom i completely dislike.)
jello shots
quaint party
intoxication
&
then-
*hugs*
*push you out the door*
"see ya, wouldn't want to be ya"
*slam*
i sorry, jeff.
...
what are the chances of
being mistaken for your worst enemy more than once (if i had a "worst enemy", she'd most definitely be it)
i look like the person i dislike the most.
she even reminds me of my mom
tis just strange. and wrong.
so, yeah, anyhow
......
-------
Slamming the door in Jeff's face for no reason whatsoever was so very.. me.
Priceless.
I think he fell in love with me that night, I would have.
current mood: blah
current music: etta jones - at last (<3 this song.)
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| Thursday, October 3rd, 2002
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2:02 pm - arg.
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So I'm definitely not going to NYC next week.
Might go next month, though. For a weekend. Better than nothing. I love that city. Miss it.
BreathBreathBreath.
current mood: eh..
current music: days go by and still i think about you..
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2:12 am - Place in direct sunlight, twice daily.
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...... OK. Picture that scene in Donnie Darko, where he's following his pull (or whatever you want to call that. You know the scene, right? Great), Well, I feel as if I've been separated from my pull and I'm just kind of wandering about.
Like I've missed my fate.
I'm not on the right track, but I have no clue as to where I'm supposed to be!
What do you do in situations like this????
I've been ignoring it, because a) It could just be completely in my head. I'm just depressed and don't know it? and, b) As stated above, I don't know WHAT to do to make this go away.
I keep thinking I should just move. Hop on a plane and go somewhere really far. Start new. But, of course, I haven't the money to do that. Plus school, friends, family - they all keep me here.
Unfortunately, I can't run away.
So what do I do?
I'm just sticking it out. Trying SO hard not to wait to feel better, because that's a horrible way to live. Waiting for something that may never come. We're responsible for our fate, right?
The only thing I'm waiting for, really, is the insight on how to overcome this feeling that I have.
SADLY, I suspect it just might be due to my current (LACK OF) love life. I fear (greatly) that I'm one of those types that needs someone to feel complete. Hell, I know I do.
But things are changing, drastically.
..
. If there is one thing I'm sick of, it's my paranoia and constant worrying.
I'm gaining peace of mind, I must continue down that path. THEN I will worry about the rest of the world.
Now, if I could only figure out what is missing......
Cat on lap, he's shivering and has no hair. He just got up, got into bed near the warmest blanket in the sea and is staring at me and sighing. Must abide, he looks sad. Or very angry. 2:22 am.
BedTime.
Gutten nacht.
Today is gonna be the day
That they're gonna throw it back to you
By now you should've somehow
Realized what you gotta do
I don't believe that anybody
Feels the way I do about you now
Backbeat the word was on the street
That the fire in your heart is out
I'm sure you've heard it all before
But you never really had a doubt
I don't believe that anybody feels
The way I do about you now
And all the roads we have to walk along are winding
And all the lights that lead us there are blinding
There are many things that I would
Like to say to you
I don't know how
Because maybe
You're gonna be the one who saves me
And after all
You're my wonderwall
current mood:  confused
current music: this mortal coil. a single wish
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| Wednesday, October 2nd, 2002
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2:41 pm - Music ;
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To my first love.
And only love,
The only thing that saves me from loneliness, nearly every single time.
I could die alone, [without you I am never] <--.
current mood: somuchbeauty,icanbarelystandit
current music: One day I'm going to grow wings <3<3
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cataleptic's journal
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